tuluum's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Damn Tha Cards! GRRMPH :P Interpretation: Get up and work bizatch! Draw down on your inner strength reserves and your new philosophy and draw courage and confidence from them. Realize that you have more authority than you are aware of and that you are a source of motivation to others. I am? (Subconscious: Knight of Swords) Today has been blah (to say the least). Between now and when I originally sat down and wrote my paper entry much has changed so I guess I will update what was into what is... I woke up feeling so extremely resigned I didn't know what anything was worth anymore. I didn't know what it all was for. I didn't know why I bothered. Why I even tried to care sometimes. I woke up feeling heavy. Even as I looked around my room, surrounded by all that I have tried to accomplish (and surmount) in the last few months I felt nothing. In the distance I processed my mother as she said that I shouldn't beat myself up. That I have been so good and strong and 'happy' as of late. Maybe. I felt that I was a burden. Worthless. And I did everything that I could think of to sabotage myself. I overate, slept in late, didn't exercise, didn't do any work. How messed up is that? I kept telling myself "i'm sorry, I'm sorry. My belief in myself is just on empty right now." I felt hollow. Sick and hollow. And sad. So sad. I looked at Lynnie's toys. Sitting there so pretty. I felt undeserving. Didn't feel that they were for me. I felt as though I was holding onto them for someone else to claim... "I'm sorry. I've tried so hard. Maybe later things will change. Maybe tommorow. Cry? I don't know how..." I wondered if I would see lala tomorrow. I haven't seen her since Sunday :( Guess she's busy with her classes, other friends, and man and stuff... My CD drive died last night as well.. Last night I also got an amazingly nice email from Christopher P. He seems like a really great guy and his words made me smile.. And still.. but still.. I felt so overwhelmed with negativity. does anyone know why Nelly wears that silly bandage on his face? I was so overwhelmed that I was gonna lie down and sleep. Escape. Part of me said "Fight this. You can fight this. You can. Just put on a rockin' CD. Put on your headphones. Bid on some jobs. Fire off some emails. You can do this." The other 99% said "pop a K, have some rum, lie down". And that side almost won over until I decided to draw my cards. Turns out (as you already read) they agreed with that 1% which I know to be my conscience/higher self. Damn cards.. So I didn't pop a K Didn't Sip that Rum Didn't Lie down.. Instead I sat down for an hour or so and listened to some music and read some more passages from the book that I am reading (Trees, Earth and Torah). I gained much unexpected solace and transcendence from the pieces that were there.. and you know what.. ? I feel a lot better now. So I guess I'm gonna put on that rockin' CD. Put on those headphones. Bid on some jobs. Fire off those emails. Until later.. Much love. **************************************************************************** Current Clix Ranking: 24 | Previous Clix Ranking: 21 6:21 p.m. - Wednesday, Jan. 29, 2003 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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