tuluum's Diaryland Diary
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When Trust Dies...
You want to talk about a mind fuck?
You want to talk about a mind fuck!?
HOW YOU COULD TAKE THIS DELICATE CRYSTAL ROSE.. THAT I OFFERED TO YOU .. CRAFTED OF PAIN AND TRUST AND FEAR AND HOPE, YOU TOOK IT IN GOOD FAITH AND YOU SMILED .. AND THEN YOU CRUSHED IT? ..
HOW COULD YOU.. IT WILL TAKE ME SO LONG TO PUT IT BACK TOGETHER AGAIN.. HOW WILL I EVEN FIND ALL THE PIECES NOW .. DID YOU EVER STOP TO THINK? DID YOU EVEN PAUSE TO CARE? I HATE YOU . BUT AT LEAST NOW I KNOW. AT LEAST NOW I SEE. SO THANK YOU. THANK YOU FOR HELPING ME TO EVOLVE> HELPING ME TO REALIZE WHAT I MUST NEVER BE. NOW LEAVE.
I've been dry heaving for maybe 12 or 14 hours. I've been sick. I've been drained. I have laughed (with Carlos) I have cried (by myself). I try to affirm myself out loud. But all that comes out is
FAT PIG CUT DIE
FAT PIG CUT DIE
FAT PIG CUT DIE
FAT PIG CUT DIE
I've been told that I have 'a way with words'.
But ironically at the time when I need them most, when I want them most, they elude me. Catatonic and ashamed. Exhausted and parched. I post some lyrics that maybe, just maybe will do the job better than I currently can. Better than I can. Better than I can. All we are is dust in the wind. From that we came, and to that, at this moment, I long to return. And I shall do my best�. You can believe me that. Hunger is good. Denial is DIVINE.
I'll try to post something really more upbeat next TIME. Since I do have some good news as well. But I'm sorry I really can't give it any heartfelt joy or attention right now. Not at this moment.. not in this entry at least.
Nine Inch Nails
I do not want this
I stay inside my bed
I have lived so many lives all in my head
don't tell me that you care
there really isn't anything, is there?
you would know, wouldn't you?
you extend your hand to those who suffer
to those who know what it really feels like
to those who've had a taste
like that means something
and oh so sick I am
and maybe I don't have a choice
and maybe that is all I have
and maybe this is a cry for help
I do not want this
I do not want this
I do not want this
I do not want this
don't you tell me how I feel
don't you tell me how I feel
don't you tell me how I feel
you don't know just how I feel
shitlist
Artist: L7
CD: Bricks are Heavy
when i get mad
and i get pissed
i grab my pen
and i write out a list
of all the people
that won't be missed
you've made my shitlist
for all the ones
who bum me out
shitlist
for all the ones
who fill my head with doubt
shitlist
for all the squares who get me pissed
shitlist
you've made my shitlist
shitlist
shitlist
when i get mad
and i get pissed
shitlist
i grab my pen
and write out a list
shitlist
of all you assholes
who won't be missed
shitlist
you've made my shitlist
(vomits again)
10:30 p.m. - 2002-07-14
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