tuluum's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Time can not mend this Currently Reading: Fix It and Forget It: Feasting with your slow cooker Currently Listening To: Alice's e*wax CD oooooh they did remaster these tracks on this here Nirvana CD. fuckin A!!!.. super-compression too.. can we say loud? They super jacked up the backing vocals too... ! You really notice it on the Bleach-era tracks. But that album is still bliss for $600 in session fees. c'mon!! Chad's drumming is soo light compared to Grohl. Wonder what he looks like now .. hehe Channing , not Grohl... Hey Bildschoen if you read this... dunno if you tried to email me cos I got an email from you but it had the Klez virus and so was removed. Kinda scared to email ya again so clean out your hard drive and drop me a line if you did indeed reply :) *hug* So I just exercised and had dinner. but something is still amiss. Ajar. Out of Place. Sometimes I just want to break down and cry. But I don't know how. Literally. It was beaten out of me at a young age. Now it only comes forth when I am ready to break. I am not ready to break. But something is ajar. Amiss. It is stress. It is worry. Of that I am sure. It is hurt. It is pain. But mostly stress and worry. The fear of not having...not providing... not being .. enough. That's a lot to bear. So much relies on me. Listening to Alice's CD. Hope she likes it. Still have to finalise Bob's playlist.. New issue of Jane came today... I usually save up my books and magazines as they arrive and read them during Shabbat... so... now I know I'll have something to read this Friday... I'm in some kind of mood and shaking my head won't make it stop... Neither will sleeping. Neither will burying my head in the sand. Sometimes I think it would be nice to fall asleep hearing another voice than the sound of my own thoughts. Sometimes I think it would be nice to.. .. nevermind... Thinking isn't getting me anywhere is it... but it hurts it really does. The constant struggling. The constant battle. Just to get through each day sometimes. To the point where my bones, head and chest ache, like they do now... Feeling and punching the limits of my own cognition solves nothing, only disappoints and frustrates. This disability. It kills my heart and my hope sometimes... Wanting to break free and think like everyone else, while not being able to stand most of the 'everyone else'. Just wanting to be able to grasp the rules and concepts. Color blind in a karma chameleon world. I think I'm scared right now.. holding on to my blessings doesn't feel like enough... **************************************************************************** CLIX please? Cast your vote for this journal.
Current Clix Ranking: 67 | Previous Clix Ranking: 68 7:23 p.m. - Wednesday, Nov. 13, 2002 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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