tuluum's Diaryland Diary
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why Can't I Fall In Love (book review)
Several weeks ago I ordered a used copy of Rabbi Boteach's "Why Can't I Fall In Love?: A 12-Step Program" on Amazon.com. I did so, not so much because I think I have any problem falling in love, but because events in 2002 caused me to wonder about my priorities, achieving a more holistic balance, and of course I want to be sure that I am not doomed to a cycle of abusive, distant partners (better safe than sorry right?).
Like all of Boteach's books the style is conversational and humorous. He writes with that earthy flavour that many are surprised to discover Judaism does not shun away from, and he gets his religious points across without ever seeming heavy-handed or judgmental.
Sprinkled liberally throughout the book are quizzes, exercises and anecdotes supposedly drawn from Boteach's life and stable of friends and acquaintances. Real or not they all capture in some way people we know in our life, possibly even ourselves. People who are looking for that one love or relationship that will add that 'magical dimension' to their lives.
To Boteach this drive, the pursuit of true love, is life's most important mission. A mission that a successful career, money, and poor substitutes for. cue Madonna's Drowned/World Substitute For Love here.. To many of us, he states, have resigned ourselves to a loveless condition, believing that such hoopla are only for "hallmark cards", "hollywood" and "romance novels". To ask and search for love has become a sign, in this world, of desperation and highly undesirable neediness. When you think about it, I must agree, that it is indeed tragic that this drive which spurred artists through the ages is indeed so scorned and repressed today.
"To me, the saddest part of this worldwide phenomenon is that so many people have become numb to the pain of their loneliness, desensitized by the wide range of cultural influences that tell us it's okay to live without love. With no one to welcome their love and no one to love them in return, they live with the sense that something is missing, but they never quite understand what it is. And they accept their woe as if this were the human condition."
To Boteach, to love (and to be loved) intimately is the defining expression of our existence. It fulfills our need to feel special. To be detached from love is to be detached from the life force. No doubt this helps to fuel the alcohol and anti depressant industry! He sees our intellectual arguments about the frivolousness and uselessness of love as nothing more than defensive fortresses.
How did things get this way? Why do we now view each other (men and women) in a Teflon, rather than a Velcro fashion (to use Boteach's metaphors)? Never one to hold back the rabbi offers his "Hard, Cold Truths"
All of our fears, fears of rejection, fears of not finding love, fear of commitment stem from what Boteach calls "The Mother Of All Fears" - the fear of anonymity.
"We fear not being recognized, whether for our heart and soul or our personality, for our contribution to society or for making a difference in another person's life."
We fear being told that we are not unique, not special. Finding someone who loves us, and who we love in rturen gives us recognition and affirmation on their truest levels. It also cures us of the loneliness that occurs when we feel that no one cares about our opinions, takes us seriously, admires or respects us. No one has chosen us out of the multitude. "Cellophane Man" Syndrome for you Chicago buffs out there :)
Unfortunately, one of the most cruel and destructive emotional messages is internalized when someone, who saw us and knew us, decides to reject or replace us. That act (of which I have been on both sides) appears to confirm our deepest fears that we are ordinary, mundane, redundant.
We all need and deserve adoration. Someone with whom we can share our deepest selves, without fear of rejection, however that requires each of us to reexamine our own goals. To reach beyond our preconceptions of what love is, our ideas of what relationships are comprised of. It's not enough for us to stand as court marshal, deeming others as worthy, or unworthy of our love, we also need to make ourselves worthy as well. Boteach tells us to resist our urge to 'run and reject' as the potential for lasting love is everywhere. Loneliness can become a positive force if we choose to defeat it healthily.
Having said that however the dear rabbi makes it clear that he is against 'serial dating'.
He views relentless dating and multiple sexual partners as barriers to our ultimately being open to love. At first glance one may see this as a knee-jerk reaction to his stance as a religious figure, however when he explains his position it becomes more logical and sensical, and indeed I have seen many friends around me suffering from this. After all how many times can you make yourself vulnerable and stay that way? How many scars can you suffer before your faith in yourself and others becomes scratchy? Overdating, in his book, leads to walls, defenses and boredom. A boredom that borders on arrogance for, as Boteach states, "are -you- the best person you know? The smartest? Do you have the best body? The best job? The best car?"
Through sheer repetition dating, sex and intimacy becomes an evaluative experience in which 'applicants' pass through our lives under a cold microscope that evaluates their every flaw and blemish. This self-consciousness and calculatedness robs the spontaneity that makes for romance. In the end we sabotage our ability to grow and to trust.
The best relationships, he reminds us, are not those where everything is perfect, as perfection is merely an illusion, but instead one in which our flaws are understood and embraced.
Delight In Reality
"Real relationships with real, available people aren't always easy. They're not always fun. Real people can be frustrating, difficult, emotional, and confusing, and sometimes they have cellulite. But they are there to hold you, and to listen, and to argue with, and to laugh with. In the flesh. That's what you're after."
His recipe for romantic and emotional success is the collective reclaiming of our 'mental virginity'. Stop hanging onto unrealistic ideals such as 'love at first sight', fate and karma. Often these are just excuses for passive resistance. Just as we would think it bizarre if we woke up hungry and did not look for food, Boteach finds it incredulous that so many of us wake up emotionally starved but make no effort to address that need. The 'Protect Yourself' ethos actually contradicts the quality of love which is to give. Fear and love can not co-exist, they negate each other. He reminds us that love's root libere means 'to please'. Love is liberating in that it frees us from our self-preoccupation. It is hard to focus on another and on pleasing them if we are also focused on staying in control and protecting our vulnerabilities, our freedom, our career. We turn our backs on compromise, sacrifice and dependency -That last word still gives me the shivers I must admit - forgetting that control isn't everything. Work is something that we simply do, lovers on the other hand are what we are! oo la la rabbi! (he also calls the bed the altar of any true relationship, rowr!
Boteach believes that soul mates are made, not born, and he gives a gender-neutral list of traits that may signify a potential soul mate in your life
Conversely, looking at this list it is also easy to see if you have the makings of someone's soul mate, and to see what areas you may need to work on.
He also asks if you can be happy and comfortable with that person in complete silence, and states that it is good to introduce them to your parents early on in the game! Fortunately this is something I always do, but I know that's pretty rare (or at least it seems to be?).
And what about your friends' approval? Keep it in perspective Boteach says. He warns that in a Sex and the City world many of us use our friendships, and the companionship and emotional intimacy that they provide, as a substitute for long-term romance.
Overall I loved this book and thought it made many good points, points that have encouraged me to not shut myself off, to be more open and willing (gaining my mental virginity - to get burnt again :P) and to keep near those people who I do feel so dearly about. This is a good thing :) Check it out, second hand copies run cheap at Amazon.com and you have nothing to lose :)
****************************************************************************
Current Clix Ranking: 34 | Previous Clix Ranking: 29
8:29 p.m. - Wednesday, Jan. 15, 2003
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------