tuluum's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two Hearts Under The Skyscrapers Interpretation: In trying to stay balanced.... Don't let old hurts define who I am Don't let anyone's validation define who I am Don't let anyone's -IN-validation define who I am This new direction in my life -will- pay off. I am guided by my inner voice and I must trust it. Rely on it. I am highly evolved emotionally, poetic, imaginative and wise. I have more power and influence than I am aware of.. (there's that phrase again) (Subconscious: Queen of Cups *my significator*) Well I persevered. Did my routine. Watched my Dawson's and Angel. Talked a bit online. Looking forward to receiving actual snail mail from Christopher P! :) Went to bed and woke up feeling exactly the same. Sad. Hollow. I guess it's just something I will have to surrender to and work through. The DP has officially gone AWOL. I'm really disappointed. Maybe this has something to do with my current mood change? Wouldn't doubt it. All around me is foolish banter. People asking me if I want oranges. How can I want oranges when I don't even want to live?!? You know I really really hate it when my mother's prejudices turn out to be right! : Well, at least I have E. And she is totally SOLID :D AND!! She's coming over next week (on Lala's bday no less). So yeah. Last night I slept rather well though. That's gotta count for something, right? Yesterday I got a little 'cheer-up' email from Graeme. That was really nice of him. Thanks G. I tried to cheer-up/motivate Bob but I dunno how well I did. More and more I get this feeling that all my efforts at tikkun olam are for naught. Frustratingly futile. I don't know when things got so derailed...... Or do I? You know... I think it was when the DP went AWOL actually... Eureka! A mental breakthrough! Hmmm... I guess I should start cheering up now, right? It's his loss... Just wait 'n see... er... or something : Hey, is that Donny Osmond hosting $10,000 pyramid? Surreal... You know what else is getting me down? Don't laugh.. but it's Valentine's Day... Yeah.. sad but true. Valentine's Day has always been a sad time for me. It just exarcebates my feelings of loneliness, unattractiveness and worthlessness. Especially when you know that those around you are gonna be showered by their significant others... It's funny but last year Bas was my Valentine. Just goes to show that you never know what the future will hold. What/how people will reveal themselves... To this day I have never received an apology or any acknowledgement of my hurt or pain, the duplicity, deceit or betrayal. Let's not even get into the racist slurs.. cos that's just unforgivable.. It's funny how life throws you these curveballs. At least I have actually typed his name. It's been over 6 months since I was able to do that. So yeah, healing bit by bit. Saying it out loud though is still hard.. his name I mean. Forget writing or saying her name though. Still trying to work on that... I wish them the best though. It would be totally tragic if no one benefitted from that immense seismic shift. That surreal vortex which was mid 2002. At least I am only one (obviously inconsequential) person and I will move on and time will turn this all into one big shadow someday. Mom says to release the anger. She and my friends have all said that. That it was good to walk away when I did. And I know it was. So I'm still working on the pain and anger and one day it will not hurt anymore, I may even be able to laugh about it...but ... Eminem's "Lose Yourself" has really grown on me. I think I'll download it in a bit. I need something to motivate and uplift me right now. Especially right now. I mean you think you know someone. And it turns out you never did. You never did. Thank you karma though. Thank you for the expose. Thank you for bringing to light the rotting core before I became further enmeshed. Further involved. Thank You. It still fucking hurts but Thank You. It could have been a lot worse. A lot worse. But yeah. Valentine's Day is gonna be a little hard this year... Why am I complaining? I did get a heart-shaped box of chocolates for Tu B'Av didn't I ? :) ....... let's not talk about though... :( There's more I want to say... I want to take a walk down memory lane.. talk about my two favorite Valentines :)
Why two? Cos they're the only two I've ever had. One was a SECRET VALENTINE from a great love of mine. Sent to me years before we even got close, before we ever really talked face to face. The magic of finding out years later. That he was jonesing for me as I was jonesing for him. This crazy beautiful OLDER and sensitive Adonis who I thought never even knew I was alive... I get tears in my eyes every time I think of him. That Valentine was, and still is, really special to me :) Screwing things up with him will always be one of my few great regrets. My other Valentine of course was Dave ... Well! That's enough whining for now... Lala will be over soon and we're gonna watch Dancer in the Dark :) The girl doesn't know Bjork! Travesty, utter travesty! **************************************************************************** CLIX A LITTLE LOVE TO MY HEART! Current Clix Ranking: 21 | Previous Clix Ranking: 21 6:58 p.m. - Thursday, Jan. 30, 2003 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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