tuluum's Diaryland Diary
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Honesty
I have an online meeting in 3 minutes. Waiting... Waiting..
I write long lucid entries in my mind all the time. You would never believe it from what actually comes out when I sit down to type. Right now my mind is full of conflict. Melancholy really. But I don't really get to think about it too much because of all that demands my attention. Work. Bills. Etc. I suppose that is good. It keeps me from looking in the mirror and thinking about all the things that are not. Two nights ago I dreamt about Dave. Like I really needed that. I think Bas was in that dream too. Not sure what role he played in that. It was really incidental and I didn't even see his face but I knew it was him. Come to think of it I didn't see Dave's face either. It is depressing to think that maybe the pinnacle of the love (non-platonic) that I am to have in my life was had and lost all before I turned 21. And yes, I know that logically I have all these years, bla bla but it's not like I don't know women twice my age that are still doing the waiting dance. I don't want to do that dance. And yet I won't settle or hunt. So what is left? At the moment all I have are my fantasies. Harmless mental playgrounds where all is possible and rejection does not have to be entertained. Sometimes I think fantasies are worse than dreams though. They are narcotic and unlike dreams we know from the onset that they are not based in reality. We know that fruition will not/can not occur. It could make me cry but I won't let it. Sometimes I look in the mirror and I think I am not so bad. I eat right, I work out. I'm supposedly curved in all the right places. Other times I feel as sexy and shapely as a toilet roll. And about as disposable as well. I have had enough pain in the last 24 months to keep my heart under wraps for a while. My heart's been disposable for years it seems. That's a lot to overcome. Is it too much to want to be honored? It's not like I would not reciprocate. I'm not sure when these floodgates will be released again. I act like I have icewater in my veins but nothing could be further than the truth. The Ten Of Wands is one of my greatest flaws. But how do I overcome that? I have tried time and time again and all I have to show for it is scars. I'm tired of scars. I have so much on my shoulders and that's my burden. family responsibilities. I don't have time to indulge this self-centered crap. But if I am honest, in a moment of weakness I miss the warm safe security of male trust. It's 4 minutes past 7. Where's my appointment?
oh...
Because our peeps don't get enough props...
The 50 Most Important African-Americans in Technology
http://www.blackengineer.com/artman/publish/article_182.shtml
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7:18 p.m. - Sunday, Jan. 25, 2004
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