tuluum's Diaryland Diary
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Voice Within
i don't know what to do or think anymore.
i have worn my welcome
and maybe i need to leave.
maybe i was never welcome here. maybe safety is an illusion
he sounds like a user she said.
i cried for 3 hours today in my mother's arms. as she smoothed my hair and rubbed my back and cried as well.
Drifting in and out of consciousness as she told me about emotional cripples who hurt without knowing that they hurt. Who know not they wound and cripple. Telling me that I have a heart of love, some of the purest love she's ever known. More than even she has. That's she learnt about love from me. And I cried even harder. Because I don't understand cruelty. I don't understand callousness. I don't understand evictions. I don't understand hostility and I don't understand what I have done to deserve or bring this on. All I have ever tried to do was to listen to people, maybe give a lil advice now and then, I've never kicked someone when they were done. I've never said you're on your own unless they had betrayed me prior. I don't understand it and I can't and maybe this world isn't meant for me. Or maybe I'm not meant for it.
For a moment there was light and I had dared to dream and laugh and love and sing openly again. For a moment I thought something new could infuse me. I took steps to put myself out there... Said things, shared things loced deep inside. Fuuck it. But it's the same old shadow puppets of before. And people don't care, they really don't. Why don't I see that? Why am I fooled so easily. And mom says to fuck those cultures and mom says they're in emotional atrophy, and I don't know what to think or what to believe. I miss my friends. My ffriends who understood how imporant is sancctuary. Myy friends who know you don't leave a wounded puppy at the side of a freeway, myy ffriends who are my ffriends. Of girls who fform circles and boys who guard said ccircles because they respect the female. Who will make you feel safe, who willnot force you to talk, who will share of themselves til you feel more comffortable, who meet haffway, ive seen similar behaviour at animal rescue shelters. I guess the psychology is the same... I'M SICK OF PEOPLE WHO TREAT FUCKING PETS BETTER THAN PEOPLE. And I'm tired. I'm really tired. Of the fact that no one will give a fuck about the beatings or thhe molestations or the psychological torture or anything else I've been trhough, the autism, the thingsI try so hard every very months to brea through.. trying to deal solo with my declining fatherr and who knows how much longer my mother and just you know the nerve, the arrogance, raw arrogance, And they will tell me to shut the fuc up and make my own fucking boot straps on my own. Well I'm almost 28 and it doesn't work that way. Dont tell me it's hard. I know hard. i'vve known hard since I was being lashed on my back with fork tines at 6, so just shut up. I've known hard when all my books and tapes were smashed open on a whim, when shower doors were ripped open on me without warning, when my newly tightened braces were punched in against the kitchen door, should I continue alphabetically or chronologically. Cos condescension is a fucking bitch. I miss you guys. I miss you so damn much, and you know who you are. But i'm not here anymore. I'm gone again... I'm gone. And I wish I could see you one more time Shyama cos I miss you so much... and monfisch I dunno when I'll talk to you again, have fun at Expo and in japan. I bougt you something scarydoll I hope you like it. I'm tired. I'm tired. ND I'M SO SCARED. I DON'T WANT TO BE SCARED ANYMORE, PLEASE MAKE IT STOP.. JUSTA LIL BITXXXXXXXX.... YES i said the Psalms... And all I can think of is how beautigul red looks dripping on whhite AND HOW GOOD IT WOULD FEEL TO TIE SAID BOOT STRING AROUND M NECK. and all I wanted was a little understanding, maybe an ear, ccompasionn... .And dont go ripping open boxes you can't close unless you're willing to have some love and compassion and to finish what you start. Andd I'm looking at this pill and it won't make a damn difference. And I'm all cried out now, and the catatonia is the next stage and it's setting in and I don't know how long it will last this time could be days, weeks, months and I am so scared and terrified for my heart and my mind right now. So please don't call cos part of it is hardness of speech and movement and if you write and i dont reply that's why. . I never wanted to revisit this spot again. There's so much I don't understand about people. Probably never will. And the sad thing was I didnt ask for any ofthis. It wasn't what I wanted. I just wanted... to be liked maybe even loved a litle bit for who i am and not this freak tthat gets goaded into tthe corner time and time again. Show your colors show your colors. hapy now? See the happy freak card. BLess your stars shake your heard and move on. Show's over.
There's nothing to see here. There's nothing to miss. There never was. All I wanted was a little corner of sky I could call my own, somewhere with peace, tranquility, where I wouldnt be destroyed anymore. Where it was safe to smile. It's all I ever wanted. But it doesn't exist...
*************************************************************************
*************************************************************************
2:34 a.m. - Tuesday, Mar. 02, 2004
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------