tuluum's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Reclaiming my Soul Currently Reading: The Wisdom Of Your Subconscious Mind - John K. WIlliams Currently Listening To: Turbonium X - Ben Neill Dreams are truly odd things. I don't mean the kind that you have when you are asleep. No I'm talking about the ones that keep you alive, the ones that keep you awake at night, the ones that drive you until you achieve them or give up. I've been thinking a lot about my dreams lately off and on. My dreams have not changed very much since I was 7 years old. Whether this is a sign of premonition or immaturity I am not sure, the jury is still divided. A few months ago when I was really low I wrote my Monkey Manifesto. I think now I will print it and stick on the wall alongside Jonathan's Queen of Hearts card, Justin's horsetesticles and Adam's postcard. You see I don't want to end up like one of my cousins who wants and dreams but turns down every opportunity that comes his way because it's not 'right' not 'perfect'. He has been unemployed for well over a decade now, never got his driver's license and seems perfectly content this way. That's not who I want to be. He had/has the talent but not the courage. That's not who I want to be. And yet sometimes I get so afraid. Afraid of failing before I succeed. Even though I know statistically there is no other way. That great people from Edison to Lincoln to the Rabbis to the Dalai Lama repeat the importance of trying and failure and effort. I know this intellectually and yet emotionally I allow the paralysis of being 'less than perfect' to overwhelm me. I remember reading an interview with madonna in Elle I believe it was. She was asked what makes her so fearless. She replied that she was one of the most fearful people she knew and that her career has been about acknowledging each fear and attacking it and overcoming it. That struck me, and I stored it in my mental folder of "How Interesting.. Maybe One Day" Several weeks ago as I read about Justin heading off all heart and no logic to Sweden to pursue an amazing artistic opportunity I felt myself soar in his words, in a way that I have not in recent years. Me who is all head and logic, and talk myself out of my heart and hopes one too many times. I wasn't always this way. I don't know when everything changed. I used to walk for hours in the hot sun to meet with anyone who could help me succeed when I was in high school. I cut classes and wrote my own permission slips. I auditioned for plays that my parents never knew I was in and haggled my way to a 50% discount on my opera lessons. I talked myself into TV appearances to bolster my college application. Everytime I've risked I won. I won when I got the schol to Smith, I won when I challenged the Interdisciplinary committee that had declined my application to create my own major. I won when I challenged the committee that declined my application to do my thesis because the area (the sociology of adoption and identity development in the adoptee) was not one where the undergrad professors felt proficient enough in, so what? I did it through the grad school of social work instead. I'm used to winning, so why I do still see myself as a loser? This question has been growing louder and louder, consuming me until it finally exploded yesterday. Having a heart to heart with Damon last night he said something along the lines of "money is good but dreams are everything". That has been ringing in my head, along with a poem that I wrote a few months ago. I think I have been wrapped up in my own and my family's security since I returned, since I left college. This is not wrong. This is how it has to be. But I have dismissed everything else as immaterial and that's wrong. I feed my soul in many ways but I think that by neglecting this part of myself, this part of myself that since 7 I have been intimate with, I can't really say that my soul is free. My illusions, my dreams, truly are all I have. They are part of that unique voice that I bring to the world that no one else can replace or imitate. And I should share it by realizing them, shouldn't I... There are no coincidences. I believe strongly that there is a plan that can unfold two ways, either i turn away from what the universe wants for me or I embrace it. I don't believe that these conversations are all flukes. I've been through so much pain and loss and heartbreak over the past few months. I keep looking for a break. Now one has been placed in my hands. And all the signs and advice (yes mom) say yes. I think I'm gonna grab it. Wish me the best... ****************************************************************************
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