tuluum's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Hope Arrested Hi. Feeling somewhat better. Got a rather cryptic email from the AG last night. Not sure if it was actually cryptic or whether I was still zoned out from all the pills I popped before. I was asked whether my Shabbat is a ritual or a communion. I have no idea how to respond to that as in the context of my faith it really doesn't matter why I do it as long as I do it and communion is a loaded word, the kind I shy away from. I felt some judgement in that question there though or maybe there was advice hidden somewhere or maybe the pills were turning my hello kitty wallpaper into words.and there never was any message... . So yes. Friday was not one of my better days. I had a very very good Shabbat nevertheless though. Evicted my father from downstairs, played my fave Shabbat CDs, sat in the courtyard and talked to my mother under the stars. We pointed to big fluffy clouds and told the twinkling stars hello. I was really down still though and in a moment of solitude popped some pills and wine to relax, came up with some song ideas (finished Musings in one hour!) and fell asleep. Didn't wake up until yesterday night. Or... so... I thought... Yesterday I was told that I actually ate a buttload of cake, talked to my mother til after midnight AND sang all my newly written songs for her... I HAVE NO MEMORY OF ANY OF THIS... none at all.. disconcerting... ...but...
Thank you KLONOPIN..... *this is where Lynn groans* *kisses* Anyway ... I feel more functioning and stable today so it's a good thing. I missed the launching of Indigenous CDs in the process which is a bummer.. : Will drop E an explanatory email. Today I feel MUCH MUCH MUCH better. So what if I am ugly and dorky and other asocial stuff, I'm loving and loyal and smart and a great person inside. Right? Maybe one day someone will love me for those things..and want me to visit them and and and and want to hold me and kiss me and touch me and love me. I mean someone virile and marriageable bla bla bla. If not.. well I'll keep hoping.. All the messages to the contrary do get disheartening though.. still still still, must keep reminding myself.. mental virginity.. mental virginity.. Mom asked me what I wanted on Shabbat, what would cheer me up? Would it be clothes, losing weight, more money? .. . I said a loveletter... just a loveletter... She got all teary and said you're such a romantic aren't you... and it's true I am .. and I don't mean the loveletter that comes because someone who reads this thinks I want a loveletter, I mean the loveletter that comes because he is thinking of me, wants to be near to me, wants to share his mind and heart with me, needs to know that I read, and care and reciprocate... because I do...
It's all too sad really. And I really am too insignificant right now to dare to believe anything else. Whoa.. just came across one of the last letters that I got from Paola, I wonder how she is doing. I hope she is well. I do miss her tons sometimes. We had some really great talks at night and her love and loyalty meant so much at me at a very painful time in my youth. She says a million times to tell LaLa hi :) so uh hi :) Too bad I don't have a scanner else I would scan her pic and her letter here :D *files into things to keep* I look back at all the people I have met since 1990 sometimes, those who became friends, those who became acquaintances, and those who I never liked. And it's weird, almost all of them ended up being shallow, vacuous. The most disappointing one was this summer (the Summer of All Disappointments) but I guess that's how the cookie crumbles. One less present to buy, one less card to mail, one less call to make. Very hurtful and disappointing. At times I wish I had not been there that night, but at least Carlos was there so that I did not make an ass of myself. Still one has to ask, I am 26 now. So Grow the fuck up already. Who gives a crap about childish playas and haters anymore. Right?? right?? ...whatever... If you love indie movies and documentaries as much as I do you will adore BuyIndies.com :) **************************************************************************** Current Clix Ranking: 39 | Previous Clix Ranking: 31 2:24 p.m. - Sunday, Jan. 19, 2003 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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