tuluum's Diaryland Diary
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Blah
Interpretation:
This hurts, it really does. One moment everything seems so clear and linear, then things change and shift.
At the moment I'm vulnerable, confused and more than a little uncomfortable.
But, I will move on and rebuild cos that's the thing to do.
These experiences only serve to deepen my psychic and emotional reserves.
(Subconscious: Ace of Cups)
Truth be told I'm really not liking today very much.
I was initially happy cos I woke up a few minutes before my alarm. Great! I mean.. now I can exercise right? Wrong. I don't really want to get into it but suffice it to say my father is still being extremely manic, or fucked up, or whatever. It was all I could do to not grab a butcher knife and just slash away.. or better yet.. get a gun.
Oh, believe me, the image was there in my mind. Slowly replaying itself in sweet cathartic slow-motion detail. I stayed silent - focusing on the sound of my breathing, rather than his tirade. Somehow he sees my working out (all of a sudden) as a deliberate way to invade his pleasure and ruin his day. When it is it the other way around! He used to wake up early to go to the golf course. Since 2000 I have been exercising downstairs on a morning. Then, he stopped playing golf as much. I continued exercising at 7:30 am though without incident. Then one day I find him downstairs exercising. So I start exercising earlier. Now he has started showing up at the hour that I go down. ANd just making things difficult. Won't turn off the radio, stares etc. I try asking for privacy... he sighs, groans, mumbles. But really now.. when's the last time you did pelvic tilts in front of your father? (That's a rhetorical question, I don't really want to know!)
So anyway, he now gets up at 6:30am to set up downstairs so that I will feel extremely uncomfortable when I go down. But I go down still because exercise has helped my health a lot, not to mention my appearance (which translates to my self-esteem). After today's fiasco though, it looks like I will have to get up at 5:00 or 5:30am from now on... *sigh*...
Carl just called. I'm writing this as I listen to him. He just got back from Panama so he's telling me about how it went. What they did etc. I need to get going though. I have things to do... He brought me some stuff from the conference! Whee!
I'm thinking of pushing this meeting back to the 23rd. More stress. Yargh :
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Current Clix Ranking: 25 | Previous Clix Ranking: 29
7:01 p.m. - Tuesday, Feb. 11, 2003
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