tuluum's Diaryland Diary
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I'm A KONFIDENT KID :D !
Interpretation:
(Subconscious: Seven Of Wands)
Quite often the cards seem random, that's why I keep a journal of my cards, because perspective shows that they are -anything but-. Two days ago I got the Two Of Coins. Yesterday I got the Six Of Wands. Yesterday sucked.
Today I get the Three Of Coins and Seven Of Wands. Clearly my sense of self is wound up right now with my livelihood. Fortunately, I am making steady progress in both areas, with my advances being greater on the internal front than external. Still, I will take and appreciate my gains.
My goal is to move slowly from the meat-and-potatoes livelihood of freelancing to that of 'full-time artiste'. This is a new venture for me. I've been so imprisoned by my own insecurities and self-consciousness. Joining the Aspie lists and the support of my offline friends and family has helped immensely, as has the communal space which Diaryland has provided me.
All these selves, aspects of my personality which have existed in fragmented autonomy are now starting to communicate with each other and recognize their commonality.
This is a very inspiring and slightly scary time for me. Scary because its uncharted territory, inspiring because I am realizing so many childhood dreams. Why do we give up on our dreams so easily? Aren't they in some way an acknowledgment and recognition of our deepest, truest most honest self/calling? I can't speak for you but I know that mine is.
I was so touched by Steve making a reference to me and my drive in his diary. It's not the first time someone has made such a statement but it always catches me off-guard. In my mind I am little more than a drooling, babbling, incoherent and neurotic mess. This is who I feel the world sees. And in turn I get so flustered that I can't get my words and images out. I do feel an intense, burning spark in me. Sometimes it fades, sometimes it rages but its always there, pushing me on. Saying "Let them see what you can do. Let them see who you are."
Somewhere along the way that voice got buried. Buried by doubt, abuse, society, responsibilities. My guitar got covered in cobwebs and dust, and so did my heart. Until this year. Until now. If it wasn't for my Life Makeovers and a chance convo with the DP I can say I would not have awoken from this coma. And since both those factors came into my life through apparent 'chance' or 'co-incidence' and I do not believe in 'chance' or 'co-incidence'. I believe them part of a divine nudge on my shoulder. A celestial brush on the cheek. And who am I to turn down the Lord's advances? I'm just gonna keep on. It's all I can do. It's all I know.
Hey! I sold one of my designs!!! :D
If you like it you can check out the details (and other designs) here :D !!!
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Current Clix Ranking: 25 | Previous Clix Ranking: 26
8:24 p.m. - Wednesday, Mar. 12, 2003
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