tuluum's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Anatomy of a Meltdown Miss Kathryn is super sweet for thinking that I rock the hizaus. I think the same of her as well. This entry is going to be very disjointed by the way because I still am not at a stage where my thoughts and feelings are coalesced or where I am particularly comfortable expressing them. I have been in shutdown mode the past 14 days. And have been even lower previous to that. I get overload easily. Stress and sadness. I got a Hamsa in the mail from Lynn on Friday. I was so moved. I inhaled the envelope deeply (I coulda sworn twas ganga but she says the store was burning incense. No biggie). I have worn my medallion ever since. I felt surrounded with love. Love is good. I also got Jonathan's musical compilation. I am going to listen to it later. I have been so disjointed that nothing is going in the order it should. I like to listen to new things with a clear head. I want to have a clear head when I hear it. I know it will be excellent though. Can't wait for him to hear my stuff. He will definitely realize how much of a pro he -really- is once he does ! :P OK. I also got a lovely Valentine's day card from the artist known as searchn with a piccie of her adorable bambina. My atrophying ovaries bow in recognition and humble praise. I felt really loved. That was nice of them all no? i have been trying to wrap my mind around my own personal Tower. I have not had a chance to think about e*wax. Be patient and forgive me please. Those who have queried. I have been doing Tarot readings online and off which is good cos it is bringing in some much-needed income. I have also been steading a slow but steady stream of products from my Art Store. This makes me very happy. Knowing that people really are connecting with my designs. Still it is not enough. Not since I lost everything last month. Yeah lost everything. Change is a bitter pill. Sometimes it razes you to the ground. And you have nothing left to grab. Nothing to pull yourself up with. Just will. Sheer will. Crappy bad checks. Bad checks from ciients. Money was deposited. Money was spent to expand my business (the copywriting one). Checks were bad. Overdraft. Fuck. I have to thank Faizah. She came through in a big way. She knows how. Yeah. Love the heejee. Had to close that account. Charges woulda racked up. Starting over from nought. I hate this. So what do I do now? Where do I begin from? Time marches on. It doesn't care. Cycles of billing stop for no one. I"m trying as best as I can. Did I mention there's a war going on in Iraq? You mighta heard ... so yeah... back to me. The stress. Trying to hold it together. Cos... something about not giving into fear.. something about being strong.. there's a parable or idiom in my head trying to get out. Let's pretend we both already know it. Ok? So I stopped. I shut down. I could not juggle it all. Already I have gained about 10 lbs. Everything goes straight to hell when I fall off the pendulum. I took a break. 7 days to rest. To inhale. To go back to the drawing board. To wake up and fall asleep helter-skelter. To annihilate myself. I compiled my poems and revised them... still doing that.. still working on the artwork.. I worked on other artwork... to submit... to .... I worked on my home studio software... results to be seen (heard?) ... at a later date... I tackled a big energy drain. and nearly collapsed. Also got scarily close to accessing my birth record (the office was closed... ) Anything to ignore the pounding of my heart and the pressure behind my eyes. I won't mention the tears of loss or the fixed stare on my ceiling. Missing my Shabbats. I have had to work on them. Hope that will stop soon. Was not able to celebrate Purim. Purim is one of the big joys of my calendar, so is Shabbat. So is Pesach. Also casualties of this upheaval. I am very stressed. I am not sure how to express this any more.. . ? We''ll see how it goes. I'll write more when I am clearer. I think I have a working prototype now. I think I think I have clawed my way through this. Last Trial Before Glory? I love you Lynn. You gave me big hope. I have an important email to write when i am awake. **************************************************************************** Current Clix Ranking: 22 | Previous Clix Ranking: 21 5:02 a.m. - Sunday, Mar. 30, 2003 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||