tuluum's Diaryland Diary
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hopes and Dreams and Sorrow
When I am chatting online I will sometimes type things I am not ready to say and then delete them. When I am offline I sometimes write letters in my head that I know I will never mail. I have come to realize that writing letters in my head, and putting them down on paper is equal in benefit. And the mental release is greater when I actually write it all down. And they still remain hidden. Which to a privacy-driven paranoid control freak like myself is nice nice nice nice nice.
I had wanted to take Simi to Trotters tomorrow but they will not be open. I guess all the J'ouvert monkeys want to get their sleep on early.. Bleh...
I have so many thoughts going around my head. I was most sad on Friday when I went Shabbat shopping. I had not woken up sad. The feeling was triggered by an email that I had received. The content of the email was not anything direct. Nothing that you reading it would know or see, but it represented to me a feeling of a bar that I had set that I have not lived up to. That made me really sad and angry... As a result I started having panic attacks in the car and in the mall. Walking past Stecher's as I always do. I stopped and stared at the Swarovski Star Of David that they have in the showcase (as I always do). I stared for a while, but not too long. Didnt want tears to come to my eyes, cos they were. People kept staring at me... and I pissed off people in the supermarket as well.. but I didnt care. I just wanted to collapse into a hug. I was wracked by spasms when I got back into the car. More than anything I just wanted to get home. But I still had to hit one more supermarket as well as the drug store. By the time I got home I was just too tired and sad to think well.
So, I cooked, chatted with Graeme a bit before logging off for Shabbat. And then took the most Shomer Shabbat 24 hours that I've had in a very long time. Ate, read, then slept for 16 hours. My body and mind really needed it I realize now. But I'm still sad. So I've been writing those letters as well. The ones that will remain unsent. And I'm thinking about this Carnival, that I'm not taking part in. And other things that I'm not taking part in. And wondering one year from now, will it be different? I hope so. I really do... And I find myself beginning to hope and dream for the first time in a long time as well. And I suppose that's good too?
*************************************************************************
*************************************************************************
2:08 a.m. - Sunday, Feb. 22, 2004
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------